Thoughts on parenting, lessons for schooling

May 12, 2004

Glenn over at Hi. I'm Black recently became a bit contemplative at the thought of someday having kids. In penning some thoughts on children and parenting he mirrored ideas that are very apropos to the discussion of students and schooling.

MENTAL TOUGHNESS. I believe in letting kids being kids, but I also believe that kids should be put in situations in which they can gain confidence in themselves and not let people [mess] with them. Mentally or physically.

Stuff like mental & physical discipline, work ethic, responsibility. I'll let their momma worry about their emotional development. I'm trying to teach them how to build up their "exoskeleton" and how to become a responsible citizen.

Now, we must admit that Glenn is not a parent, is not a teacher, and is a rather salty character (just the way we like him). How refreshing that in a few sentences he could unwittingly "cut to the chase" of some of what's sorely missing in modern-day schooling.

Letting Kids Be Kids
Heaven forbid we should permit kids to be kids! Boys who are exhibiting distinctly boy-like behavior often have this scourge medicated out of them. High school girls (and in some places, middle school girls) get thoroughly schooled on the ins and outs of sex (sorry), regardless of parental wishes, with free birth control just a request away.

One way to let kids be kids is to let them make mistakes. Minor mistakes should be accompanied with a "everybody makes mistakes, just try harder next time" with more serious ones including appropriate consequences.

But in today's schools it seems that certain behavior in certain schools is simply tolerated (like the wanton disruption of school) while at other, more peaceful, schools Zero Tolerance policies require the notification of the National Guard when a drug-sniffing dog barks at a ham sandwich.

But more crucial than Ritalin or Sex Ed, one of the most important aspects of making mistakes is learning from them. If kids are shown that making mistakes is not only perfectly natural, but is also a great way to learn the ways of the world, then they can do a great deal of growning up in their formative years. (Contrast this with the Def-Con response to Zero Tolerance situations like being suspended for a month for possession of Nutter Butters, where the lesson is that adults are quite insane.)

Gaining Confidence
If kids are permitted to make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes, then they will naturally build confidence as they put their lessons to practice and get better at this game called life. Unfortunately far too many educators believe we should actively work to boost kids' self esteem instead.

Everything we've heard about so-called self-esteem building in fact turns kids into Narcissists: love of self for its own sake. The most effective way we know to give kids a healthy, positive outlook is to encourage the development of self confidence, a far different beast than self-esteem.

Self confidence grows when students are successful in challenging tasks. Instead of trophies for just showing up, we prefer recognition for hard work and a job well done. As we've mentioned, it is also important not to make a big deal out of little failures, especially if you're going to reward genuine success.

But one of the hardest concepts to swallow it the fact that to genuinely build confidence, success cannot be easy. Kids aren't idiots, and they regard praise made of puffery as a joke, just like the rest of us.

Self Defense
While the teaching of self defense is not a task for schools, they should permit kids to at least defend themselves. Too often if a kid is assaulted and heaven forbid defends himself, both kids get hauled off to the principal's office for violating some inane policy of non-violence.

As educators, we do not advocate the "someone hits you, then you hit back" line of thinking, for that reduces us to cave dwellers. But self defense, experience has shown, is quite an effective way to deal with bullies, who love to pick on the "defenseless."

A while back we posted an entry on bullies, referencing Michele's story from A Small Victory. And in the comments section of Michele's post, there were a number of stories of how folks successfully overcame bullies, most involving legal action, media pressure, or martial arts.

We simply must permit students to defend themselves.

Mental & Physical Discipline
While physical discipline is probably more in the realm of gym class, mental discipline should be a concern for all educators. In Parris Island, South Carolina, where young recruits are molded into future Marines, we marveled at how much of boot camp really is mental.

The concept is simple: subject a recruit to incredible amounts of pressure (ie, mess with his head) in a relatively safe environment, and when he's successful, he'll have the mental discipline which will permit him to remain calm and in control in other areas, such as combat.

The same goes for school. If educators insist upon high standards--including things like memorization, writing research papers using real books (not just online sources), conducting laboratory experiments with proper documentation and writeups, and doing homework--then students will have the mental discipline to be successful elsewhere.

"Habits of mind" are some of the best habits we can give our kids.

Work Ethic and Responsibility
We could easily go on for days on this topic alone, so we'll try to be brief. In too many schools, we have failed to encourage the development in our students a work ethic which will help them be successful in future schooling or a later career. (This goes hand-in-hand with mental discipline, above.) Worse yet, when students fail to meet expectations, we've accepted responsibility, virtually guaranteeing that this will remain a problem area for our students.

While hard to swallow at first, one of the best ways to encourage responsibility is to make kids responsible. Responsible for their actions, words, and yes, work.

At times it seems some educators excel at finding excuses for their students--"oh, he's from a single-parent home" or "it's a shame her father's got that problem"--it is only natural for kids to feed into this.

Students won't develop responsibility until we give them responsibility and make them responsible.

Emotional Development
Glen writes about his future progeny: "I'll let their momma worry about their emotional development," not realizing that this applies perfectly to schools.

Why should schools try to "teach" or "guide" children's emotional development, when parents send their children to school to learn academic subjects? Any hours spent on teaching things like self-esteem (a misguided cause) are hours that cannot be spent preparing children for future scholarship.

One of our favorite Elaine McEwan quotes comes from her book 10 Traits of Highly Successful Schools: "To create a school environment that is 'nurturing, collaborative, meaningful, and authentic' sounds impressive. But stop to think about why we are sending our children to school in the first place. I did not send mine to be nurtured. I did that at home. I sent them to learn how to read, write and do math."

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Let's take Glenn's advice, and help our kids develop self-confidence and mental toughness, with a healthy work ethic and a sense of responsibility. Which is all possible while letting kids be kids. Yes, it is a balancing act, but we educators are up to the challenge.